Cool news: we were interviewed by the Westender for their cover story on blogging families/dads. Despite having spoke about our blog in this way: "To be honest, I am not a huge fan of our blog. Like most bloggers, we are totally lazy and spend a great deal of space apologizing for our absence and promising posts upon posts in the future," we made it in.

(They even used a picture of Bridget sleeping, me pretending to sleep, and Mike pointing. Cute.)

Related: we responded to a ton of questions about being young parents — stuff we probably should have mentioned on this blog but haven't (re: aforementioned laziness). Most didn't make the article so we thought we would post them here instead.


1. Why did you decide to start blogging about your experiences?

MICHAEL: It started out as a way to document Katie’s pregnancy—for our friends and families but also for us, so that we’d have something to look back on once we’d forgotten all of the details. Things like the ultrasound, my last Father’s Day as just a son, or how people reacted to Katie walking down the street. Also we wanted to have a string of photos documenting the pregnancy literally, because watching Katie’s stomach get bigger was itself a scary and awesome experience.
After Bridget was born, it turned more into a straight-ahead photo blog, because there were lots of people we knew who didn’t see her all that often, and, really, that’s what they wanted to see. We’ve tried to keep some records of our feelings as parents at different times in her life—and I’m very thankful for the entries we did end up writing, because they are great snapshots—but it’s kind of fallen off as time has gone on. It’s hard to spend all day parenting and then spend your little window of relaxation writing about it. We also didn’t want to sound like we were bragging about the parts that went well, or complaining about the things that consistently blew up in our faces.

KATIE: To be honest, I am not a huge fan of our blog. Like most bloggers, we are totally lazy and spend a great deal of space apologizing for our absence and promising posts upon posts in the future. That said, I am glad it hasn’t descended into total crap—endless complaints about baby puke, that sort of thing. That stuff is totally reductive, not to mention boring.

2. What's the weirdest thing about mainstream parent culture right now? What does it do too much of? What does it miss out on?

KATIE: I have to admit I am not much a part of any parenting culture. Our family exists in a sort of self-imposed bubble at the moment in terms of talking about parenting approaches or whatever. Let’s just say I’m easily offended.

I will say this. Some parents are extremely focused on building self-reliance in their children. For example, there are entire books dedicated to teaching infants to sleep alone and to self-sooth, and “separation anxiety”—yes, that means the natural anxiety a toddler feels when separated from a parent—is very nearly treated as a medical disorder. I’m just not sure what parents who subscribe to these ideas are trying to teach their kids. That you can’t count on anyone but yourself?

Some parents also feel the need to teach their kids “no”—this idea that the real world is about rejection. Wants and needs are often seen as something that must be met with (sometimes arbitrary) limitations; heaven forbid the child gets her way.

Again, I am not sure where all this necessary toughening up has come from. Demonstrating compassion and selflessness is probably the best thing I could do for my daughter.

MICHAEL: I think there’s generally something of a fetish with baby products: the fanciest strollers, the organic-est baby food. Then again, a lot of new parents are married, in their 30s, and middle class, and I’d much rather them devote that money to their child than buying another car or replacing their dining room set for the third straight year.

For me, though, one of the things that really bothers me is that in this huge push to not neglect their kids, parents are dumbing down how they engage with them. They’ll try really hard to never use new words that are too hard, or confusing. How will those kids ever learn new words? I’ve tried really hard with Bridget to, as much as I can, ask her questions and explain things to her in a way that’s maybe a bit beyond what she can fully grasp at her age. It encourages curiosity, plus kids’ brains are so malleable that if you keep broadening their horizons, they’ll more than meet you halfway. Bridget has blown me away every time with what she can handle.

3. What are some of the assumptions that you've seen people make about young parents and parenting in general, and why does that need to change?

KATIE: There is a lot of talk about what a person might have to give up in becoming a parent—how they won’t have any money or will never be able to do such and such again. These sacrifices are often exaggerated, but what bothers me more is the assumption that young parents are ignorant to them and therefore in for some sort of terrible reality check.

This focus on lost money and pastimes also unfairly demonizes those who choose not to have kids, or maybe choose to have an abortion. There are good reasons young parents-to-be get abortions and wanting to go clubbing is not one of them.

MICHAEL: For young parents, the worst of it is when their kids are just born, when they look so fragile. There’s a definite tendency for people to equate youth with ineptitude, which is almost never true. A lot of people came up to us when Bridget was a month old with big smiles, congratulating us, but I also felt a lot of curious looks—people maybe wondering how I’d messed up to have a daughter so young, or thinking I lacked some kind of life experience to be a good father to such a helpless infant. Of course, age has almost nothing to do with it.

Now that Bridget is older, though, that kind of judgment has gone away. People can see we didn’t accidentally feed her bleach, and that, so far, she’s turned out pretty okay. The proof is in the pudding.

4. How do you reconcile your own life and ambitions with having a child?

MICHAEL: It was difficult, no question. Katie and I had to sit down and really pare down what we wanted to focus on outside of being parents, which we knew absolutely had to take top priority. First, we both had to finish university. That took about 18 months, but we got it done. Now we both still have goals in our personal lives, but we’ve had to be strict and chip away at them when we’ve had time. Having a child doesn’t mean you can’t do the things you want, but you really have to pick just one thing at a time, and work at it like crazy whenever you can. That being said, a lot of my life and ambitions are irrevocably tied to Bridget anyway—my biggest ambition now is to make sure she grows up happy and level-headed.

KATIE: It is definitely hard to plan for the future once you bring a child into the mix. People say, “I’ll be back at work in a year” or they plan a massive trip. For some, having a child makes these things impossible—emotionally or otherwise—and then there is a sense of disappointment. There is no telling how having a child is going to throw you.

For me, becoming a mother was one of those total life-changing experiences. I have put my daughter first in ways that I thought I wouldn’t. Maybe I thought that being a feminist and in practicing equal parenting I would somehow be immune to this sort of loss of identity—that I would refuse to give up my own life ambitions in the name of my child and partner, but in some cases I have. Absolutely there are losses and life changes, but life is always changing, kids or no kids.

Enjoying my life, as separate from my child’s, is very difficult right now. I suppose it could be compared to any new love—there is that feeling that I am supposed to find balance in my life and that part of that balance is spending x amount of hours away from my child. But what if I don’t feel like it? What if spending any length of time away from her makes me feel miserable? Then again, she is still very young. Even if I don’t grow out of this intense attachment I know she will.

5. Can you describe your living situation in Vancouver when Bridget was born? What were you doing for work/school before she was born? What neighbourhood were you living in? How did you adjust your living arrangements to make room for Bridget?

MICHAEL: Before Bridget was born, Katie and I were both working on our BAs at SFU (she was fourth year, I was third). She lived in a basement suite in East Van with a roommate, and I lived with my parents in North Vancouver. Katie worked for the history department, and later nannied for her cousin’s six kids in Langley, and I was copy editor at The Peak, SFU’s newspaper. To put some extra money away, I also took shitty jobs delivering pizza and renting movies. We moved in together just before Bridget was born, to an apartment right beside the Commercial SkyTrain station. It was a small, one-bedroom place, and Bridget’s crib was in the bedroom with us (where it still is).

6. Why did you move to Edmonton? How are your living arrangements different now? What are you doing for work?

MICHAEL: Katie’s parents live in Edmonton, and so didn’t get to see Bridget nearly as often as they wanted to (my parents were just a bridge away). After graduating last spring, we didn’t have anything tying us down to Vancouver—though we did and do love it there, and will return one day—so we packed up and tried to see what we could do out here.

We live on the main floor of a house now, which is bigger and much better suited for Bridget. Her crib is still in our room, but we now have a second bedroom that will hopefully become her room once she turns three in the fall.

Katie’s a stay-at-home mom, and I edit legislation for the Alberta government, on the side doing freelance book and film reviewing for a few different places.

7. In general, and comparing Vancouver to your new life in Edmonton, do you think the cost of living in Vancouver is prohibitive to having kids?

MICHAEL: It depends. For those middle class parents I mentioned earlier, if it’s important to you to own a house in the city and a surround sound system, then yeah, having a kid might be the thing that breaks the bank. We’re fortunate in that our other interests are not expensive. But certainly Vancouver is a pricey place to live comfortably or near a transit hub—though Edmonton isn’t much better—and that’s only going to get worse as the Olympics close in.
The thing is that young kids aren’t that expensive on their own. What kills you are things like daycare costs. If both parents have to work, it’s such a frustrating thing to see 80% of one parent’s paycheque going to pay the daycare. We’ve been incredibly fortunate to have the luxury—and, sadly, it is a luxury—of one parent always having been at home with Bridget. I definitely don’t take that for granted.

KATIE: Again, we are lucky because we started somewhere near the bottom (financially speaking) and although our income has maybe doubled in the past year, our tastes haven’t.
I can’t relate with those in the middle or upper class, in Vancouver or otherwise, who say they can’t afford kids. Kids themselves, at least when they are young, don’t cost a heck of a lot. I know that some people buy a house and two cars based on the fact that they are both working. Then they want kids, and one parent wants to stay home with the kids, but they don’t want to give up this lifestyle they’ve enjoyed. This wasn’t an issue for us. We were young—we didn’t have those things to start with.

There’s also this: in Vancouver, renting a one-bedroom apartment with kids is the norm, or least accepted. In Edmonton, renting a two-bedroom suite feels a little shameful. It’s like having three kids means owning a four-bedroom house, maybe because it is somewhat more attainable here. Still, one could argue the housing culture in Edmonton is in fact more prohibitive to having kids in that it expects parents to have a house first and kids second. Vancouver is different.

8. I notice on the blog that you and Katie post in fairly equal amounts. One thing that's struck me about looking at blogs by young parents is a kind of small evolution in terms of masculine identity, feminism, and what it means to be a father. Is this something you've talked about? Why is it important for not just moms to be part of the conversation, in a world where a lot of parent stuff continues to be geared mostly towards women? Why is it important for fathers to have equal voice in parent communities?

MICHAEL: The standards for being a good father are incredibly low. When a male co-worker at one of my minimum wage jobs found out my girlfriend was pregnant, he said, “Good for you for sticking around, man.” I was getting credit for not fleeing the country! Or if I take Bridget grocery shopping, other guys will say, “Giving the old lady a rest, huh?” I routinely get glowing praise for doing something that’s just considered part of Katie’s job as a mother.

At the same time, there’s still resistance to the idea that being a loving, attentive dad is anything but a regression. I mean, the absent father is one of the most classic symbols around: Hamlet needs to avenge the severed link between him and his father, Odysseus wants to get home before someone else teaches his son to throw a spear. “Daddy issues” has become pop culture shorthand for self-loathing sluttiness in women.

9. How old is Bridget? How old are you?

MICHAEL: She’s two and a half—her birthday is October 7, 2006. I’m 23; Katie’s 25.

10. What's the best thing about being a parent?

MICHAEL: Oh man, all the little stuff that makes non-parents nauseous: the way Bridget instinctively reaches out to hold my hand before we walk down the street, the elaborate songs she makes up about her stuffed animals, the way she slyly smiles when she knows she’s being funny. I don’t expect anyone who doesn’t have a kid to be moved by these descriptions at all, but almost everything she does is a homing missile of cuteness to me. Knowing that you had a hand in shaping this person into who she is? It makes my chest ache on a daily basis.

KATIE: If I didn’t have a child, I would be absolutely obsessing over my education, career, and money, but instead I have been given the chance to look outside of myself. Focusing on someone else is great! It’s like I finally let myself off the hook. Now every day, I face a little girl who reminds me to think of the better things in life. Gross, I know, but totally true.